Grown...but not DONE

You CAN teach an old dog new tricks (...hmm, probably not MY dog, though...)

"THAT'S JUST THE WAY I AM." I hate the phrase with a passion, and somewhat hypocritically so; as I have been known to use it myself. I usually say it when trying to explain away some behavior or emotional reaction of mine which may not be initially understood by other people. But in my own defense, I don't say it with the intention of finality, meaning, I don't ever think I'm above or beyond changing. If I ever start to give off even the most minute air of resolution when it comes to things I could stand to alter about my personality, somebody please, please knock me out and keep at it until I lose my memory altogether, and then feel free to start over with me, giving me a whole new identity if need be. I give you permission. Drastic as that may sound, that kind of relinquishment of intellectual and emotional control is pretty much what a person is doing anyway when they say they can't change...or simply refuse to. You think you're in control, but you aren't, because if you were, you'd be a good enough driver of the vehicle that is your own will to be able to see where you need to make a turn, back up, or just STOP. But noooo...we all know those people who expect the world to adapt to THEM. To illustrate how ridiculous that is, we return to the metaphor of the vehicle. Imagine wanting to get to a certain destination, of undetermined distance from the point of origin, and insisting on driving the whole way there without ever changing speed, moving the steering wheel, or stopping for gas-no matter what traffic is doing; even if the road conditions change or if a lane closes, even if the gauge clearly says it is time to fill up again.

I have a near-paralyzing fear of becoming that person. The closer I get to my 30th year of life, the more afraid I become. Granted, I think it is important to have a measure of self-love and self-acceptance in order to have a realistic view of one's limitations, to not let oneself get completely trampled on by others who would abuse, and to not kill oneself over things that really can't be controlled. But I also think that one of the great adventures of life is the journey of being transformed into someone better. How is that not an exciting prospect? If you already think you are all that, great! But how could being even better than "all that" be a bad thing?

Now, I'm not saying I think it's bad to dig one's heels in the ground all the time. Those of us trying to adhere to a moral code do well to be set in our ways when it comes to doing what is right and not let anyone tell us we're losing out in some way. But even within that, if we find that we can do BETTER at doing good, that's the way to go, obviously. But the root of the problem isn't not wanting to be better, I don't think. It seems that the root of the problem is that having to look in the mirror and see the need for a change can be painful to accept. It's like when I've been eating something like, I don't know, spinach dip at a party, and then I happen to take a trip to the little girls' room to reapply gloss (and when you have lips the size of mine this may happen hundreds of times within an evening). I slick on the shine, smile at myself to make sure it is all even, and BAM!! There it is, practically a whole bushel of spinach between my two front teeth. Now, it isn't just a matter of picking it out. It's a whole emotional roller coaster of reflection. First come the doubts ("How long has this been in my teeth? Maybe nobody noticed?"), then reality sets in and with it comes remorse ("Man, this has been here for at least the last 20 minutes...and I sure was smiling all up in So-and So's face, that's what I get for flirting...") then there's the blame shifting "My girls were with me and they didn't even say anything! Some friends I have...") and back to reality ("...Well, then again,my sister was kinda sucking her teeth at me and I brushed it off as her having a twitch-she tried to help me out") and finally acceptance and correction ("Oh well, I flossed. It's out now. Time to go find Whats-his-face and redeem myself with my newly-glossed, hedge-free smile."-By the way the inner monologue is a metaphor that may or may not be based on actual events.)

Nobody likes seeing their own flaws-we've discussed this before. I've been known to cry like a baby when they are brought to my attention or even when I see some personal point of weakness in the through the reflexion and self-examination I do when studying the Bible. But I prefer that pain to the pain of seeing others draw away from me because I refuse to acknowlege and/or work on my personality flaws, or seeing none of my spiritual and emotional goals within reach and being in denial as to why. I'm not saying I have this all down pat. Maybe I won't in this lifetime. But I want to. And for me that is where success starts. It's very important for an adult to have a good sense of who they are. But I almost think that, unless you are DEAD, it's equally-maybe in some ways MORE-important to have a clear view of who you want to become-and to let that be the force that drives you. That's how Jehovah God views us-like unfinished masterpieces-only it's up to us to let ourselves be worked on. It's what makes the difference between a person who is always young at heart and one whose youth fades quickly. To me, staying young means being determined never, ever to stop growing.