Tuesday, March 19, 2013

Only Jehovah Knows




(Disclaimer: I'm going to try to keep this short. I think I say so much normally that I wear myself out and exhaust my word reserves to the point that I can't write any more for the next eleven months. More often than not, it really is true that less is more.)

Nearly every variable of my life is about to change, all at once. Ask me how I feel about that. Everyone else does, every single day. I actually wish someone would do me a favor and tell me how I feel about it for a change. Because I really have NO IDEA.

A few entries back I sobbed to the world about my dreams of moving to a country where there is a greater need for Kingdom publishers, and how it seemed to me to be a dream simply too far beyond the bounds of my personal circumstances. Well, I allowed myself to be inspired and encouraged by many incredible individuals-as well as by the loving program of spiritual feeding we have at our disposal-to keep fighting for a blessing. By means of a series of maneuvers that could only have been divinely orchestrated, on May 22 of this year I will be on a plane to Nicaragua for six months. I'm leaving my job, my family, my friends, my congregation-and my heart-here in the U.S. and heading off to a place I only know from books and anecdotes. Government restrictions only allow a foreigner to stay in the country six consecutive months without residency. A lot can happen in six months. I can vouch for that just by revisiting the last six months leading up to this moment.

Six months ago I had no definite plans to go anywhere or do anything outside of my standard routine. Six months ago my family was unitedly serving Jehovah. Six months ago I was debating with myself over whether to return to school in order to change jobs or to earn more in my current position. Now here I am, running far, far away; leaving behind a family bruised by the grievous effects of a disfellowshipping, walking away from the place where I've been employed for the last five years with no game plan for how I will support myself upon returning permanently. And a month ago I was fine with that. In fact, I had pretty much made up my mind that if I didn't have to, I wasn't returning long term. I'd just leave Nicaragua after six months as required by its federal law, come home to visit my parents, pick up some medicine, see a few doctors, hit a few Bay Area parties, and head on back. The unknown was sounding so, SO good to me. Sure, I'd miss everyone, but I was off to start a new and exciting life in Jehovah's service, completely breaking free of all monotony and even having the opportunity to reinvent myself among people who didn't know me and for whom my reputation had not preceded me. It was my turn. I didn't know EXACTLY how things would go but I knew it would be new. And that was exactly what I wanted. I was more than ready to let go.

Reality has a strange way of hiding in the bushes and popping out to scare you just when you are feeling blissfully secure. As my plans become finalized I can see that there are still many unknowns; the outcome of which I won't even know until I actually get to where I am going. In just over two months, my friend and future roommate, Danielle, and I will be there but we still have yet to find suitable long-term accommodations. I had a minor flareup of MS about a month ago which has left me wary about how my health will fare in the Nicaraguan climate. Other needgreaters have alerted us to many additional challenges which, though outweighed by the spiritual blessings, are still likelihoods that call into question whether or not I am truly as prepared (or as brave) as I thought that I was for third-world living (i.e. security concerns and illnesses such as malaria and dysentery). I even find myself doubting my own spiritual qualifications in the face of the needs of the congregation I will be assisting. To paraphrase the prophet Jeremiah, I am suddenly feeling like I'm "but a girl."

On top of all that-at the height of my excitement, I've begun having some issues with my heart that no cardiologist in the world could address. As I alluded to before, at the moment I leave my family in a somewhat injured state. While remaining here would do very little to change things, I still walk away uneasy. I can't help it. It's tough to to know that everyone is having a hard time and you can't even BE there to hold a hand. And here's a biggie: although I had come to the point in my life where the last thing on my mind was going from being a "me" to being an "us," THAT happened as well (see last year's post "Exiting the Friend Zone." Yeah, I didn't get to leave, I was kidnapped!). I wasn't looking for it, but it happened. It is happening, present-tense, and just as I walk out the door. It's been a lovely surprise thus far, but my best efforts to keep us as simply "friends with possibilities" are failing miserably, which leaves me with worries that were not previously an issue-like how many tears I'll cry during that last exchange, if the distance will help or hurt our budding courtship; what I'll be coming home to in six months, if I'll have anything to come home to at all, or if it was wise to let anything start in the first place. And the hardest reality of all to take? The cold truth that the only way to resolve ANY of my doubts is to let this show run its course from the first act to the last; letting time reveal what Jehovah's will is. That is perfectly logical. I just don't know if I can take the suspense. Jehovah, please help me out where I need faith!

Receiving this blessing and privilege is clearly the answer to many, many prayers. And apparently it will take even more of them to see it through. I have to do this. Not going is not an option I'm willing to entertain even briefly-my appreciation for Jehovah's kindness in my behalf simply won't allow it. I've wanted this for so long, and I don't think I could get past the regret if I let an opportunity like this pass me by. But it's strange-I have a whole binder full of articles about "stepping over into Macedonia" that all make reference to how much trust in Jehovah is needed to do something like this. I have read them all over and over again for many months. However it is only now that I am seeing that my own trust in Jehovah is about to be put to the test in ways I hadn't imagined. I've always been sort of an anxious person but I never knew just how bad my anxiety was, and how much I need to improve in leaving things in Jehovah's hands until right now. Whatever area of my life that I still believe I'm controlling, will soon be under the direct hand of Jehovah. Which really is the best place for my affairs to possibly be. Today, though, I'm feeling panicked like the sorry mortal that I am. Nevertheless, here we go. I'm about to be reset-and the only way I'll ever meet the person that I have the potential to be is to sit back, try to relax...and obey.

Oh, and I failed at keeping this short. Again.

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