6:45 in the morning is not the time to try to reason with oneself...

...yet here I am. I guess doing it now, though I didn't need to be awake for at least another hour since I don't work today, is better than not doing it at all.

When I was a kid I was terrible at being bad. I couldn't do anything without telling on myself. All it took was a sideways look for me to feel exposed and start confessing EVERYTHING. (I look back and alot of that stuff I really could've gotten away with. But no, while everybody else got to have fun engaging in typical childish mischief, my conscience took on a full-time position before I could even make it to kindergarten.) I remember telling on myself for things that I didn't do, just so that whichever of my parents that discovered the wrongdoing would just STOP YELLING. Yeah. I was weird.

I mention this now because I haven't changed much, I've realized. I made an error and I feel awful about it-so much so that it interrupted my sleep and finally got me out of bed altogether. And I need to tell on myself. In theory it wasn't a huge deal-nothing that could get me in immediate trouble, I mean. But it was an error in my view of a particular situation, and in my reaction to it. Sometimes those mistakes are the biggest because you can make them without anybody else-not even YOU-knowing about it. As a result, the way you allow yourself to think gets farther and farther off track, until one day you realize (usually because someone else has had to call it to your attention) that your attitude is so far out of alignment that it needs its own chiropractor.

Recently someone called me to share with me a point that was meant to correct something that I did. The person even gave me references to read. Now we all know that counsel, correction, suggestions etc., it's all a sensitive area. There is a way to give it and there is a way to take it. To make a long story short, I didn't like what was said, how it was said, or the fact that THIS particular person said it to me. I brushed it off at first, like "humph, he's one to talk..." but then the more I thought about what was said my feelings got hurt, and then I got kind of of upset. My perception was just becoming increasingly negative. It got to the point where I was so annoyed that I went as far as to make a vague quip about it on Facebook, not naming names of course-but ambiguous enough that I could say it and know that, while not everybody would know what I was talking about, enough people would get it and sympathize with me.

So now comes the part where I break down how wrong I was starting from the moment this initial conversation took place. I started off by trying to justify my actions. Then, I told the person they were right and that I appreciated them pointing out the flaw in my behavior. That in itself wasn't bad, but the fact that I was LYING and at that moment didn't even appreciate that the person even had my number-that wasn't nice. Then when the conversation ended, I breathed, said a prayer, and tried to move on. Good, right? Except that that should have meant that I tossed the ball to Jehovah and that it was his and we were done. But no. I went and took the ball back. I just kept analyzing and picking apart the scene until there was nothing good left. My inner monologue went from, "Hey, that's how he feels about it, at least he was nice enough to tell me," to "I don't think he knows what he's talking about, but maybe I can apply what he said in some other area," then to "You know what? What I said wasn't even that bad. He doesn't know what the heck he's talking about, he's trippin'," to finally, "Don't EVEN let me get started on all the mess HE's done." And there it was. The low point. My thinking had deteriorated so much that I was ready to turn everything around on the other person. I was so annoyed at that point that by 11pm, my Facebook status said: "Just got hit by a rock that came flying from the general direction of a glass house." I probably would have been OK had I just left it at that and gone to bed, but I didn't. After I saw that my update had garnered more than one question mark in response, I elaborated-still not naming names, but explaining the situation. But was it the whole story? Come one now, you only get so many characters of space to say what you want, and in those characters, consciously or not, you're going to type and delete until you get something that puts you in a favorable light. I think that's an imperfect human tendency whether you're online or in real life, but it is easier to do when it isn't happening in real time. And of course, these are all my friends who are reading it, so naturally, people would take my side. Then I went to bed. And tossed and turned. All. Night. Long.

Maybe some might think I am taking this too hard. But I'd rather have something be wrong with my outside than have something be wrong within, especially when what is wrong is pride. The issue is not whether or not the counsel was needed or completely necessary or applicable, nor was it the qualification of the counselor. None of that even matters because the way I see it as imperfect humans we are all pretty messed up anyway, therefore, if we used that as a gauge to determine who adjusts who, nobody would walk straight, EVER. My attitude was wrong, period. Even though I tried praying about my negative feelings from the start, the discomfort sitting on my chest after hearing that I did something that didn't sit well with someone else just wasn't going away fast enough. I should have prayed MORE. Do I really think I am just all that awesome that I'm above a mistake? I never realize how much of a perfectionist I am until I do something super obviously imperfect.

So there. I told on myself. I feel better already. So what now? Just try to do better. And give the person a big hug when I see them, because, they cared enough about me to want me to be better. Even if they didn't, even if they were being overly critical, that isn't mine to worry about. I know Jehovah wants me to better. And so do I.